Happy Camper
by Kaileigh12
Summary: Growing up is hard enough why do we make it even more difficult?
1. Chapter 1The first diary entry

I've noticed most kids my age keep diaries. But then again, I'm not like most kids. I'm a rebel and like to go unnoticed. Anyway, I'm Ellie Nash. I'm currently eleven years old and go to a small middle school near my town. My school is just like any other school; there are the cliques, the somewhat psychotic teachers, and the overwhelmed principals.

When I started at this school, I was the new kid; the loser, the outcast, or the infamous wallflower. It came to the point where I wanted to die. Yeah die. As in commit suicide. By the time back-to-school came around, I was still in the same place. It was about forty-five minutes into the tour, when a blonde girl just started talking to me. Her name was Dorian. She was beautiful, tall, graceful, poised; everything anybody could want in a girl. She looked like the Barbie doll I never got (nor wanted), but she was so much like me. Except she was a hermaphrodite. Yes, hermaphrodite; half male -half female. I also found out, that she wanted to kill herself too. Why?-still a mystery today. Who's to say we didn't save each other's lives.

But, then came the time when Dorian moved. I met another girl named Nina, but she soon discovered boobs, bras, boys, and make-up. I then continued on the same lonely road. That road seemed never endless. See, mom and dad have been having arguments about things I didn't understand. It came to the point where dad packed him his things up and moved into the sleazy Motel 9. I was mad; but who wouldn't be. I became even more infuriated when mom started drinking to make everything better. Things didn't get much better, but eventually dad came home, and things were back to normal; for the time being.

Yeah, so, this is me; Ellie Nash, rebel, outcast, loser, whatever you want to call me.


	2. Chapter 2 Somewhat Normal

Entry 2:

Great news! I get to leave my middle school; I'm starting at a new school! But of course, I have bad news to follow. I'm starting at a new school. I'll turn back into the same loser kid, who has no friends. Great.

Entry 3:

Just had my first day at Degrassi Community School. Its okay I guess. At least I have a friend. Her name is Ashley. She's somewhat goth like me, which is a major plus. We hit it off right away and I like to consider her a best friend, but it may be too soon to judge, and of course, she may not feel the same way. She gave me her number which has to mean something. Should I call her? Probably not. She may think I'm some crazed stalker who's going to chop her head off at night. But maybe she wanted me to call her. Maybe she gave me a fake a number? Conclusion: hypothetical thoughts suck.

But dad bought me a guitar. I'm guessing because he knows how much life sucks for me. I don't have a teacher, but I picked up Guitar is for Dummies. I've learned how to play a few notes, but that's about it. Maybe I can become a huge rock star and runaway from my suck-ass life. Yet another conclusion: I am too bitter to function.

But a few great things have happened since dad is back home and I started at Degrassi:

1. Mom isn't as much as of an alcoholic like she was before.

2. I'm not such a loser

3. The obvious, my dad is home.

4. I have a guitar

5. And finally, I have become better at making lists

The not-so-freakish loser,

Ellie Nash


	3. Chapter 3 Cute without the E

Entry 4:

I have just started my second year at Degrassi. I'm actually looking forward to starting this year, considering I won't be a loner. Ashley and I are still best friends, my mom and dad are still together, and I feel happy for once in my life. I feel this warmth encompassing my whole body, I feel the need to smile, and maybe even too skip; okay, maybe not skip. I just love this feeling. Oh my god, I sound perky. Let's tone it down a notch El.

Entry 5:

Screw being happy. Dad is now leaving Toronto to fight in Iraq. What can I say? I mean, everything was just perfect and I don't know-everything fell apart. To top it all off, mom started drinking again. Sometimes I think she might drink herself into a coma. I tried to forget about this, so I signed up for a co-op with Caitlin Ryan. Of course, there was competition; Paige Michaelchuck, Queen Bee, Spirit Squad captain, perky fashionista, or on simpler terms, my enemy.

I knew she would get the job, but Ashley said that Paige probably thought that "social issues", was mainly about clothes or a social life. Maybe true, but again, Paige always gets what she wants.

By the time the interview came around, I was a walking, talking disaster. Paige had "accidentally" spilled juice all over my white t-shirt and my eyeliner was smudged. But luckily, Caitlin loved me. Even though my answers to her questions sucked and I was wearing a huge yellow rain coat to hide the juice stain. Paige thought it was because she felt sorry for me, but Paige can think whatever she wants, I have the co-op.

When I arrived home to tell mom the great news, she was too drunk to be happy for me. I headed to my room feeling depressed. I paced back and forth in my room, for some reason. I finally stopped to sit at my desk and do my homework. I heard an earsplitting bang. Mom must of tripped or something, but I managed to dump all my supplies off my desk. I picked up my notebook and pencil, but I saw my compass blade on the ground. I picked it up and dug it into my skin. I slowly watched the crimson red hit the floor. It was as if everything was moving in slow motion. Tears rolled down my cheeks and fell to the ground. It was as if pain was the only way to happiness.

I carried on with my self-destruction. It was one day before class when I felt the urge to cut myself. I headed to the girl's washroom and rolled up my sleeve. I grasped the blade with such intensity it seemed to be slipping out of my palms, because they were so sweaty. I cut my arm and watched it with a great deal of concentration. It was as if I was watching a scary movie and I was waiting for the murder to jump out from behind a door. But instead of a killer, Paige entered. She made her snide comment before she looked over and saw the blood dripping from my arm. She was too repulsed by the sight to even notice the blade. I ran out of there as fast as I could and headed outside. Paige attempted to pry the truth out of me, but I kept silenced and said a hurtful remark.

Later on that day, I saw Paige talking to Ms. Sauvé, the school counselor, about someone. That someone was most likely me. Paige came out and I yelled at her, but she forced me to show her my arm, to prove to me that I was doing something wrong. I cried and she cried too. We embraced each other for a moment, but we continued on the school year like we didn't help me overcome my tendency to cut when things were too stressful.

I started talking to Ms. Sauvé, and she taught me ways to overcome my cutting. I haven't cut since that day.


	4. Chapter 4 Mr Niceguy

Entry 6:

'Tis the season for tragedy. 'Tis the season for great things. For me, things are pretty good. Marco and I dated, but he decided he was gay. I pretended to be his girlfriend, because that's just what kind of a friend I am. It came tot eh point, where I couldn't and wouldn't pretend. Finally, Marco came out and I don't have to pretend to be his girlfriend. It sucks to be Marco's first and last girlfriend. But I'm over him and I have a new a boyfriend. (Hopefully, he won't become gay) His name is Sean Cameron. He's a rebel like me. We met at Saturday detention. He told me that he didn't find me scary because of my scars. He seemed real and a total match to me. Now, we're officially a couple.

Things for Ashley are different. Craig, Ashley's "love", cheated on her with Manny after a fight. Manny Santos is the new hot chick, or who I like to refer to as the boyfriend-stealing slut. It's different if they just kissed or went on a date, but Craig got Manny pregnant; ouch! Eventually, Manny got an abortion.

Now Ashley wants to get revenge and yada, yada, yada. Since Craig and her both love music, they both signed up for the battle of bands competition. Ashley being so dark presented the lyrics to the song we were going to sing at the competition. No one understood them and/or made fun of them. Craig especially got a few laughs; ouch-er.

The day before the competition we heard each band play. Craig's band, Downtown Sasquatch, was just 3 guitars and a drummer playing notes. Yeah, they were definitely going to win; yeah right! Then it was our turn. We sang our new song "Mr. Niceguy". You can probably tell who that was about and how that went down.

The night of competition, we all knew, or at least thought, we would win. That was until Craig wrote a kick-ass song that totally rocked. Craig just wanted Ashley to forgive him; that's why he wrote it. Ashley wanted to hate it, but she couldn't, and you could tell. Downtown Sasquatch won; ouch-est. But I guess behind all the hatred, Ash found this little tiny opening to forgive Craig. That's the night everything worked out for Ash, and I think that's what makes it such a special night.

I think I also realized that night that we all have just enough religion to hate, but not enough to love. Also, that blame is just a waste of time. Blame is only good for wallowing in.

The so insightful writer,

Ellie


	5. Chapter 5 Burning Inside

Entry 7:

I feel trapped. Dad has been gone for god knows how long and mom is drinking more than usual. I just wish for once she'd take a short break from drinking so I could tell her about school or just to actually know what it's like to have a mom. I usually go over to Sean's house, since he lives alone. I feel he actually gets me and knows what it's like to have an alcoholic parent.

One night I went over there, I fell asleep and stayed the night. I was scared of what mom might say or do, so I quickly hurried to the door. Before I could leave, Sean hit me with a huge question. "Will you move in?" I was in such a state of shock. I mean, couldn't he have waited till I had a cup of coffee?

I couldn't move in with him. Mom wouldn't be able to take care of herself and what if dad called or something?

Then came the night when mom passed out. She left the stove on and the whole house went up in flames. I was terribly frightened. I tried to get her up, but she wouldn't budge. I had to drag her out of the house. It wasn't until we were at the hospital when moving in became a possibility. I told mom that I could stay at Ashley's house until the house was a livable space. That's the night I moved in with Sean.

There was nothing awkward about the sleeping arrangements or showering arrangements. Things seemed perfect. There wasn't a care in sight. We threw a house warming party. We were all having a blast and enjoying ourselves, for the time being.

Then psycho mom stormed in and destroyed the party. Somehow in a sober stage, she was able to go to Ash's house and find out I hadn't been staying there.

When we got back home, I finally confronted mom about her drinking and my cutting. I told her that if I had to keep living with her, I would cut myself. She agreed to let me move in with Sean.

Things are great and I love it. I feel different around Sean. I just feel happy. But we all know that happy doesn't always work out for me. Allan K. Chalmers once said "The Grand essentials of happiness are: something to do, something to love, and something to hope for."

Something to do- Live with Sean

Something to love- Sean

Something to hope for- happiness


	6. Chapter 6 Coming Home

Entry 8:

So much for my luck! My happiness has come to an end yet again. The worst part is that you didn't even expect it.

See, there was this kid named Rick and he put another kid named Terri in a coma. I don't know much about and I just continued on with terrible life. Everyone picked on Rick. But you know that would happen, because everyone loved Terri; even I did, sort of. Bullying continued and no one did a damn thing about it.

Rick was a bright guy, but with some anger issues, but we all have anger issues-just not as strong. So, Rick signed up for this game show, I think it was "Whack Your Brain", but then again, if its school oriented, I'm out. One of the team players backed out and Jimmy, the really popular jock, was put in the vacant space. Rick almost was being treated like a human.

See Emma, the environmentalist and activist or Rick's crush, was being nice to him, he had a good friend named Toby, a brilliant guy who was somewhat of a loser, and Jimmy, who stood up to him, after bullying him forever. All was well, until the game show came around.

It was down to the final round, and Rick led our team to victory. Alex, a very tough girl, Jay, Alex's bad-boy boyfriend, and Spinner, Jay's new friend and Jimmy's ex friend, humiliate him while standing in the middle of the stage. They figured out a way to dump paint and feathers on him. He was so upset and you just wanted to slap the person who did this to him.

Emma then offers him her condolences, but Rick thinks that Emma is flirting with him. This causes him to try to kiss her and Emma tells him off. Rick is heartbroken, and runs home. Why he is at home, he grabs a gun and heads back to school.

When Rick returns, he heads to the boy's washroom. He tries to wash off all paint and feathers, but hears someone about to enter and heads into the stall. Spinner was quite panicked about Mr. Raditch, the school principal finding out. So Jay, being so sneaky, realizes that Rick is in with them, and shifts the blame to Jimmy. Rick then exits the stall and heads towards Jimmy's locker.

Jimmy is extremely sympathetic, being he didn't know he was being blamed for this act. Rick takes out the gun and shows it to Jimmy. Jimmy pretends to be not afraid of the weapon being pointed at him, but when Rick turned away and pushed harder on the trigger, Jimmy ran as fast as he could.

Unfortunately, it was not fast enough. He was then shot in the back. Everyone heard the commotion and darted away from the scene. But Emma, Toby, and Sean investigated this further. When they found Rick, it was as if he was waiting for them. Rick was going after Emma now.

Sean stepped up and tried to save Emma's life. Sean and Rick both wrestled for the gun, but then another gun shot went off and a warm liquid was released. Rick had been shot.

Everyone was morbid. People who didn't even know Jimmy were depressed. The whole school was distressed by this terrible event. Somehow, no matter how hard you try to forget about it, the image just won't go away.

Entry 9:

Things are starting to get better, but at a very slow pace. But Jimmy is okay, sort of. He's still alive, but paralyzed from the waist down. Things are better for Sean, for being a hero.

The press were after Sean, wanting a hard hitting story. Things still felt the same for him. He didn't feel very heroic and acted like there was never a school shooting. On the outside he seemed strong, but inside he was breaking down into a million little pieces.

It wasn't until Sean stormed out of the group therapy meeting, that he really flew off the handle. See, a news reporter pulled him aside to watch a segment from his parents.

Sean doesn't get along with his parents. His parents live in Wasaega beach and lived with his brother in Toronto until his brother moved out.

During the segment, Sean's mom was acting so sincere and as if she even remembered what he looked like. His emotions got the better of him and threw the T.V. out the door of the trailer. He then grabbed Emma, Jay, and I and we drove off to Wasaega beach.

He was very angry with them and pounded on their door to confront them, but we soon left after he was to infuriated with them to even look at them. Sean then attempted suicide, but what was saved by a friend/enemy. Sean then decided things would be better if he stayed in Wasaega with his parents, living me heartbroken and alone; again.


	7. Chapter 7 Ace of Spades

Entry 10:

Life still sucks, and I can't seem to wrap my head around the fact that it will forever be this terrible. I can't believe Sean left me with nothing to go on when he left to live with "mommy" and "daddy". Everyday I put on a fake plastic smile and I make people believe that I'm content and convince them that I'm not going to detonate in the next five seconds.

For you see, rent owns me, my life is a never-ending nightmare, and the only happiness I seem to find is within my ferret, Bueller. But Bueller left for a "better place"; unlike me who is trapped in hell for all eternity. I remember that day like it was yesterday and how my heart crumbled into tiny bits of blackness. I felt the same way I felt when Sean left.

To make the worst day ever even more badly, I had my weekly dinner with mom. She sang the same song and danced the same dance, of "I'm sober" allegro and "I haven't taken a drink since rehab" tango. It came to the point where I was ready to slit my wrist with my butter knife; that initiative didn't workout too well…

I finally pried the rent money out of mom, but I told her off and said I didn't want anymore of her money and I wanted her out of my life. Which is probably the dumbest thing I had ever done.

I showed up at school the next day, trying to find love from Marco. Marco was very concerned, considering my previous way of life. He then introduced me to a new art form; gambling. His boyfriend Dylan and his hockey team get together once a week to play euchre. I wasn't too sure about it, so I took a pass on it. Later on that day, I played a small game of euchre with Jimmy, Craig, Alex, and Marco. It was that very moment that Alex and I went from completely hating each other to just hating each other. We then teamed up for the game of euchre with the hockey boys.

That night was the most nerve-racking night of my life. Alex and I were doing well and winning most of the money, which I hoped was good bearing in mind I know as much about euchre as I do about cars. When then took a quick break to regroup our strategy.

I then thought that Alex should move in. When I proposed this idea, Alex immediately declined. I tried and tried to get her to, saying that she wouldn't have to pay any rent and that mom wouldn't know that she was staying with me. She went off into this spiel of not having to help her mom bandage up her lip after a great night with the boyfriend. She then brought to my attention that my mom wasn't a monster and that I have this preconceived idea that she's a bad person.

When we were back at the table, Alex decided to go on her own. What! This was MY rent money on the line! She couldn't do this! I tried so hard to get her to change her mind, but she wouldn't. We were two points away. But at that very moment, they weren't just point; they were my home and my existence.

It turned out that Alex is a very astonishing person. Not only did she win the game, but she made me realize that everyone deserves a second chance. When everyone left, I dialed mom's number and told her to come over immediately because of an emergency.

She arrived very jumpy and tired, considering the time. She was livid that I called so late and that there was no emergency. But that fury turned to ease when she found out that I had written my two months notice. I realized that I couldn't do this on my own. I wasn't as ballsy or as self-sufficient as I thought I was. I needed someone and that someone needed me.


	8. Chapter 8 Chemically Imbalanced

Entry 11:

I like to consider Ashley Kerwin a possessor; the possessor of Craig's devotion, the possessor of my loyalty, and the possessor of a gift called cheating. See, Ashley's dad got her an internship in London; making her relationship with Craig even more rocky then before. About a month or two ago, Craig was diagnosed bipolar. Ever since then Ashley had been extremely protective of him and even became his fiancée, before he was diagnosed. It's somewhat pathetic if you think about it; Craig can't live without Ashley. So the night before she left, Craig surprised her by saying that he bought a ticket to come with her. Ashley didn't want him to come with and took off leaving Craig heartbroken.

Craig then went all crazy or something, I didn't really know the details, but some how I found happiness within Craig and we bonded over the summer. He'd laugh at me. His laughter was soothing medicine to my aching soul. I loved being around him and I felt like he understood me and that I could say anything around him.

It seems crazy. I knew him forever, but I actually started _knowing_ him for who he was during the summer. It wasn't until then that I wished I was Ashley. I wished this because she had this amazing guy that would doing anything for her in a minute and this guy who was just this overall amazing person. All was well, but we know that story, now don't we?

I was in Media Immersion when Ash e-mailed me. We all wanted to know when she was coming back, but the answer to that was never. She had met a guy named Allistar who was just "fabulous". It sucks to get dump by your fiancée by e-mail, but to add the Ashley Kerwin touch, on Craig's birthday. Great.

I felt obligated to throw Craig this awesome surprise party, so I go out and do my best, because I only wanted to see him happy.

We were having the best time and everything was just perfect. But Spinner, opens his big mouth and tells Craig that Ashley broke up with him. I now fully understand why everyone hates him. Craig was so infuriated. I wanted to cry. Not because he yelled "screw you" at me, but because I felt like a failure. I made Craig unhappy. I was the cause to this whole situation. If I hadn't tried to protect him, this wouldn't have happened. Ellie Nash strikes again.

Later on that night, Marco confronted me. He told me that I liked him. Not in a friend way, but more. I didn't want to believe it, but it was true. It was too true to even seem realistic. But being as stubborn as I am, I lied and said no.

A week later, Craig and I hated each other's guts and even hearing each other's name made our jaws clench and our teeth grit. He told me that I didn't need to protect him, and I knew that. I explained my reasoning, but it didn't matter, he still hated me.

Later on that night, I went to his house to talk to him. He was in his garage, or what I like to call his sanctuary. We finally forgave each other for our stupid mistakes. More good came from that, I tried out to be his drummer in his band and now I'm Ellie Nash: Drummer of Downtown Sasquatch. It has a nice ring, doesn't it?


	9. Chapter 9 The Wedding Singer

Entry 12:

Albert Einstein once said, "Gravity is not the cause of us falling in love". Which I find very true. Being the very insightful person that I am, I'm going to recite another fancy quote by some dead chick. Ann Landers once said, "If you have love in your life it can make up for a great many things you lack. If you don't have it, no matter what else there is, it's not enough." Another very true statement. It's very hard to think I love Craig, but then again, it's the simplest thing a person can do. A part of me says go for it, but another part says just let it be. This is why I hate choosing sides so much.

There's something about Craig, that makes you melt, that makes you feel different. I can't describe it. You just have to be the girl; the girl who feels like the only girl in the room with Craig.

Craig made me feel this way and even made me believe that he liked me back. But then Manny takes this away from me. One night she got drunk at a party and ended up flashing her boobs for the camera. As you can tell, she is a very, very smart girl. But anyway, it was sent around the whole entire school and Craig felt sorry for her. They ended up bonding, but I shouldn't care. It's not like I own him, or he's my boyfriend.

The night before this "bonding", Craig got our band a wedding gig. I was quite nervous, I mean it was my first time on stage. Well, I was on stage when I was four as a tree, but that's not the point. I was looking forward to this night, but a barricade was put up to block my bliss.

I dressed up in something girly, which wasn't me and Craig couldn't keep his eye's off me, but Manny arrived to help with the band equipment. It would've been okay, but she arrived wearing a mini skirt that was way too tight and a top that looked like the seams were ripping. Craig's eyes literally popped out of his head. The gloves are coming off.

When we arrived at the gig we were absolutely amazing. By the time of our next song, Manny was onstage dancing like a whore. I was appalled by this. Couldn't it be a little more G-rated? Geeze!

I grew sicker and sicker as I watched this. My emotions got the better of me. I lifted up my left drumstick and threw it at Manny's head. I wanted to freeze this moment and retrieve the drumstick back, but it was too late. I bopped right off her head and landed on the floor. Oh brother, what did I do!

Craig then confronted me. I explained how I felt, but it didn't matter. He wanted to be just friends. Two words that hurt so much when you hear them. They're two words that make your heart shatter and your stomach drop. My eyes welled up with tears, but I closed my eyes quickly trying to remain strong. I ran. I just ran out of there as quickly as I could. I needed to getaway.

When I got outside, I stared out at the stars. Somehow the stars had this way with me that didn't make me feel so lonely. I then remembered a citation by Anais Nin; "Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don't know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of witherings, of tarnishings." Who knows if that's for sure, but what I do know is that love has screwed me over too many times.


	10. Chapter 10 I Hit the Floor

Entry 13:

During group therapy today, the leader decided to ask all of us to name three things that we like and dislike about ourselves and lives.

My List:

Good things-

1.

2.

3.

Bad Things-

1. I'm a loser

2. No guy has ever loved me

3. My life sucks

Great list, eh? You know how sometimes there's that one person who has lied to you before, but then promises you things would change, and then breaks their promise? Well, I most certainly do. Mom, decides things are just too stressful and pulls out a cheap bottle of vodka.

I know exactly why she's so stressed. My four aunts, five younger cousins, and my grandpa have decided to live with us. To make matters worse, dad hasn't called us in four months. I'm scared, but I can't admit. I'm supposed to be the strong one in the family. I can't turn into mom or Sean. There is one quality in people that I despise the most: when they runaway from their problems. I know a lot of people who do this, and I can't and I won't ever forgive them for this. So here I go again, bottling up my emotions, hoping things will get better.

I try to steer myself away from cutting again, but somehow that seems like the best thing to do. I've did it again twice this week. I need everything bad to end. I can't handle this anymore. I need to rejuvenate my life and start over, but I can't. I can't stop cutting, I can't forgive mom, Sean, or Ashley, and I can't stop loving Craig.

Everyday I see him in the halls with Manny, and I just want to die. It seems a little over-dramatic, but that's how I feel. I love him that much. For once can he notice me? Can he see me for more than a cutter? Or more than a friend? Nobody has ever known the real me. I haven't even known the real me! I feel uncomfortable in my own skin.

For once in my life, can somebody love me? Is that too much to ask?

Entry 14:

You know how sometimes you can't control your emotions? I know for a fact how that feels.

Craig came over to my place to bring me a new song for the band. I looked at it and then threw it at him. The song was about him and Manny. "What the hell!" he screamed at me. "Craig, are you that much of an idiot!" I screamed back, trying to hold back tears, but I couldn't. "Are you blind! I love you! I have since we first started hanging out in the summer! But I can't change the fact that you love Manny and only Manny! You led me on; you made me believe I had a chance!"

"Ellie, I'm scared! I'm scared of falling for you, because I'm afraid of true love! I love you, too!" Craig shouted back at me. I turned away, but Craig grabbed my arm forcefully, and pulled me into a passionate kiss. This kiss wasn't even like the ones you saw in movies. It was everything you could want in a kiss and more. I swear, fireworks were going off. We crashed onto the couch and continued on with this amazing kiss.

I guess things got carried away, for the best and the worst. Psycho mom entered the room during this love fest. "Ellie!" I looked up with fear stricken eyes. I stood up quickly and I felt shaky. "You little slut! What the hell are you doing with this pig!" "Don't call him that! We love each other!"

She shoved me onto the couch and screamed, "Why would he love you! There's nothing special about you!" My eyes became glassy and wet with tears. "Why would dad love a drunken woman!" She slapped me violently.

"Don't you ever talk to me like that! You show me respect!" How could I show respect towards this monster? "Respect!" I yelled back. She grabbed me by the shoulders and pinned me up against the wall, and slapped me again. I slipped down to the ground and pulled my knees into my chest and sobbed. She walked away heatedly.

I sprinted up to my room and slammed the door. Everything was back to normal. Mom was drunk and we were fighting, again. Everything that was great floated away. I doubted Craig would ever talk to me or ever think about getting together.

But in the midst of all that discouragement, one ray of sunshine shone through my bedroom window. This ray of sunshine also tracked mud on carpet and crawled into my bed and held me. This ray was who I knew as Craig Manning. He whispered, you are special into my ear, and I started to close my eyes.


	11. Chapter 11 Welcome to the Planet

Entry 15:

Have you ever reached your breaking point? It's as if all the sudden, your problems bubble to the surface, and then you fly into a rage. You try to manage it and bottle it back up, but fail. It's like when you shake a bottle of soda, and then when you finally open it up, it goes everywhere. You could say I was a bottle of shaken up soda today. It came to the point where I left home for good.

I didn't take too much. I grabbed my backpack and filled it with two outfits, a toothbrush, a brush, drumsticks, my journal, one hundred dollars, and a pair of pajamas. I went down to the train station and bought a ticket to Alberta. I hopped on the train and headed to my cousin's house. I wasn't truly thrilled of going to live with him, but it had to be better then my current living condition.

Will, my cousin, was just any other family member. We had maybe spoken to each other a couple of times when I was younger at family gatherings. The only way I knew how to get to him was by the return addresses that were on birthday cards. When I got to his place, I was more than stunned by his living space. It wasn't terrible, but it could've been better. He offered me a cup of coffee, and I accepted his kind gesture. I checked in one of his cabinets for sugar, and I found a small bag of it. I was two seconds away from pouring it in, when Will stopped me. "Geeze, Ellie. Don't be pourin' my heroin in your coffee!"

"Excuse me?" I questioned. "Pure Brown Gold. Didn't you pay attention in D.A.R.E.?" I just nodded and stared in bewilderment. My cousin, the drug addict? I couldn't handle this right now. I'm attempting to go for a stress free life.

I awoke the next morning with one thing on my mind: finding a job. Will asked me what my plans were for the day, and I told him: "Oh, I just need to find a job."

"I happen to know there's an opening in a small business."

"Really? Which one?"

"Will Nash: Company of love."

"Oh…"

"Look, if you don't want the job-"

"No, I do."

"Okay. Here's fifty bucks. Go out and find yourself something slutty."

I grabbed the money. I was baffled by what he had said. But, I needed the money. Once I was done with shopping, I came home.

"So, what did you pick?" I opened up the bag and revealed a short, red dress. "It's perfect."

I smiled nervously. He then gave me a card with an address on it. "What is this?"

"It's your corner." he answered.

"Corner?"

"Prostitution? Selling your body? Hello? Welcome to the planet!"

"Wait, you're a pimp?"

"Yep. I'm pimpin' you for drugs."

What the hell did I get myself into!

I stood on my corner trembling. What was I supposed to do? Just stand there? My thoughts drifted away when a car pulled up beside me. I got in and off we drove. Being still a virgin, I wasn't quite sure what to do. I kind of just laid there and moaned, trying to earn as much money as I could. I ended up earning a thousand dollars. I walked back home.

"How much did you make?"

I reached into my purse and pulled out my cash. He grabbed it from me and started counting it.

"You did good kid." He praised me, as he slid the money into his back pocket.

"Wait! That's my money; I earned it."

"El, I know were family and all, but business is business." I shifted uneasily. "But I earned it…"

"So? Look sweetie, I own you." He grinned at me and walked away.

So let's recap: I just slept with some pig, just to have the money that I earned, taken away? This wasn't the real Ellie Nash. Ellie Nash wasn't a prostitute. But I guess that people have to change at some point, right?

Entry 16:

It was my third night on the job. I made six thousand dollars, but I only received twenty of that, because I went out and retrieved Will's drugs.

I guess I got what I wanted. I had started over and rejuvenated my life. Only this time, as a prostitute. When you begin in this business, you can never feel clean. You can scrub at your skin all night, but it doesn't make a difference. You feel like there is something crawling on you at all times. Once you establish yourself in this career, you can never leave it. You become suffocated with fear and regret. You eventually reach the point where you will only be known as a prostitute.

I've become very good at what I do. I know it's not the best thing to think, but it's true. It's unbelievable of how I morphed into this person. Somehow the real me ran away, and now all that's left is this dirty person.

I've earned plenty of money to start living on my own, but like Will said, he owns me. Last night I came home with a grand and his heroin. "Will, is it at all possible for me to keep some of the money I earn?"

"Why do you need it?"

"I don't know; maybe to start living on my own…"

"I left the life I was living for a better place. So far, my life is still hell!"

"The road to hell is paved with good intentions!" he smirked.

I wrath boiled up in me. I reached for my shoe and hurled it at his head. He came back and slapped my face so hard, I feel to the floor. "Don't you ever talk to me that way ever again, you whore!" he grunted as he walked off.

I shook as I started to regain my equilibrium. When I got to my feet, I looked at the ground and saw the bag of heroin. I bent to pick it up. I threw it into my bag and left Will's home.

I headed to my corner and crawled into the back alley way. I rested my head on the pavement and curled into a ball. Tears streamed down my face. If Will could make so much money off of me, I could do the same. Start becoming friends with the streets, Ellie, I thought to myself. These are the streets, no one is here to hold you and protect you from this unkind world. Throw all the bad memories away and let them fly away in the wind.


	12. Chapter 12 Sex,Drugs,and the Bible

Entry 17:

The truest statement I have ever heard was said by Izaak Walton. He stated that, "The person that loses their conscience has nothing left worth keeping." I have lost my conscience, my pride, my innocence, and my faith. Izaak would probably consider me a nobody. I consider myself a person who doesn't deserve to even have existence. There are so many people out there who are good people, who deserve to live. What I have done that is good? Give men a hell of a night? The gates to heaven are just going to be wide open for me!

The bible says that pre-marridal sex is a sin. Okay, so I'm having sex before marriage, with guys I don't even know. Interesting, wouldn't you say? A person once said that "If Jupiter hurled his thunderbolt as often as men sinned, he would soon be out of thunderbolts." I'm the cause for the meager supply of thunderbolts, now-a-days. So you know, let's take the next decade to look at all my sins. But since we don't have a decade to look at all my sins, we can just name a few.

I'm a prostitute

I'm addicted to drugs

I technically broke the rules of friendship with Ashley

I lied to mom more than just on a few occasions

I have lowered myself down, to levels no man has ever reached

So, we all know how much my life sucks. I've notice I repeat that thought in every diary entry, but I can't seem to stress it enough. Nothing has ever been worse than this. Hard to believe? I know abuse, cutting, drug addiction, and prostitution sounds pretty sucky, but it isn't as bad as this.

You know when the holidays come around, everyone seems so joyful and happy, but it turns out that the suicide rate goes up during this time. Of course, it could be an urban myth, but I firmly agree with it. So here's an "oh-so cheery" Christmas tale.

It was cold, winters night. It was snowing; just what everyone had wished for. I mean who doesn't want a white Christmas, except for me? It was a hard night on the streets. It's difficult to survive when the only warmth you can find is from drugs. It may seem unbelievable, but standing on a corner in the night, to sell your body, it gets a little frigid. But after my body became too cold to function, I headed into a nearby bar. I had a couple drinks and slipped a couple of guys my card. I headed to the bathroom, but a guy seemed to be following me. I turned around, but then I blacked out.

I awoke the next morning outside the bar near a dumpster. I knew what had happened. I quivered as I rose to my feet. I slowly walked back into the bar, stumbling over nothing. I walked to the bathroom, cautious if anybody was following me. I headed into a stall and threw up. I crawled over to a sink and washed my face. I looked in the mirror at my reflection. My eyeliner was smudged from the water and my tears. My vision was blurry. I couldn't do anything. I mean a drug addicted prostitute wasn't the typical rape victim. Merry fucking Christmas, Nash, I whispered to myself, Merry fucking Christmas.


	13. Chapter 13 Four Simple Letters

Entry:

Past, is a four letter word. No matter how far you leave it behind, it always catches up to you. The past is the portion of the timeline that has already occurred; it is the opposite of the future. It is also contrasted with the present. James William may be my hero right about now. "If you believe that feeling bad or worrying long enough will change a past or future event, then you are residing on another planet with a different reality system", he stated. They say regrets are a waste of time; it's the past killing you in the present. The past has some perks, though. For example, in the past, the pace of life seemed slower. But then again, the past sucks.

My past is a dark place. My present isn't getting any better. My future doesn't look any brighter. Past failures are supposedly the building blocks to a successful future. I find that very hard to believe. Considering my past failures, they have only made present and possibly my future extremely miserable. It's almost like a game you play with the past. As soon as you think you have abandoned it at the starting line and your ten centimeters away from the finish line, the past has been at the finish line forever.

So Friday started out like any other day. I emphasize started out. In the morning I bought my daily fix of cigarettes and heroin and walked along the streets. You'd think with the money I was earning, I would've bought my own place by now. The crazy thing is, I can't seem to leave the alley way. I guess this whole low-life lifestyle really is working for me. I dread to admit, but I am tramp. I made fun of people who are what I am now. The old me seems to have faded away.

Around five o'clock I headed to my corner. I waited about an hour before someone pulled up. He seemed to be staring at my scars in my arms. I crossed my arms and pretended I hadn't noticed he was staring. He seemed strangely familiar to me. He wasn't a previous client (whoa, that sounded business woman-y). We drove off to a nearby hotel.

Once I was done, he gave the money. Holy Shit, I thought. "You know, you can have your check back. I'm giving out….uh….free sex. So, yeah."

"Excuse me?" he questioned.

"It's something personal." He just gave me a blank look. "I know you, but you may not know me."

"Wait-". It was too late. I was out the door and running.

Business was slow the day after, so I headed into the bar for a couple of drinks. I didn't head for the bathroom or talk to anyone. About twenty minutes later, the waiter came over with a drink. It was from the guy last night. I glanced slightly over my shoulder to see his expression. I accepted the drink, but chugged it. I inhaled some of my cigarette and blew some of the smoke towards his way. He seemed to be deep in thought. I turned back around and waited a few minutes. He seemed about a foot away and that's when I got up to leave. I have to admit I did feel kind of bad, but I got over it,

Now yesterday is when all hell broke loose. He showed up at my corner again. I got in, not knowing who it was. "Ellie-"

"Are we going to have sex or what?"

"We need to talk."

"Craig, you have no idea of what's going on."

"I don't. The last time I saw you, you were crying, and-"

"Well, I've done all out of that now haven't I!" That was the last thing I said to him as I got out of the car.

He drove, but then another car came up. I obviously got in, but maybe I shouldn't have.

That night I ended up in county jail for solicitation. I had no money for my bail. The only option I had was to call Craig. I reached for the receiver and dialed his house. I told him my situation and he came down and got me. He drove me back to his house for the night.

The next morning, I awoke before him. I missed him so much. Here I was in his house. Craig had just bailed me out of jail. So much was happening, so I just did everything I could to make things awful. I stole his iPod and his wallet. I heard someone walking towards me and I darted for the door and ran. I ran for what seemed forever.

I grabbed a taxi, and was driven to what seem like the only place to go.

"Ellie?"

"Sean!"

That's right. I went to Sean's place. He listened to my life chronicle and he let me stay for as long as I wanted.

Two days passed. I was happy being with Sean. Wait, stop, rewind. I was happy. But then again, I'm talking in past tense. It was about midday when the doorbell rang. Once I answered the door, I slammed it closed. I repeated this about two more times.

"Ellie?"

Fuck, I thought.

"Ellie, please let me in!"

He was banging on the door now. I was in a panic, so I grabbed my bag and climbed out the window. I ran down the street until I found a desolate area. As soon as I thought it couldn't get any worse it did. It rained like nobody's business. I lit a cigarette and felt the smolder blacken my lungs. I exhaled the smoke and slid to the ground.

I thought I had left Craig, but he only found me. But I ran away, again. It seems to be one of my strongest abilities now. When the going gets rough, I run.

I reached for a shard of glass on the ground. I dug it into my skin. The smell of blood was in the air. The red liquid dripped to the ground, droplet, by droplet. This shade used to be soothing, but now it's frightening. But it's the only way I could deal. Pain was a only temporary, but fear was a way of life.

Fear also happens to be a four letter word. The most destructive element in the human mind is fear. Fear creates aggressiveness. But what is fear? Fear is a punk rock band from Los Angeles, California that formed in 1977. It is also the withholding of love from self and usually another; the motivating force that drives much of what occurs in the collective consciousness; the energy behind the 6 Ego functions: judgment, criticism, protection, defense, control, and manipulation. I like this definition better.


	14. Chapter 14 Bites and Stings

Entry:

The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense. Reality also in which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away. I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal. Reality bites.

Sex bites. Most of the time it's pretty damn great, but of course, when you do it for a living, it's unexciting. Sex. In America a fixation. In other parts of the world a fact.

Walking back bites. After running away numerous times, I've decided to run back. Of course I made a total ass of myself. When you know you've done something wrong or extremely rash, you can't seem to look whoever you did it to in the eye. But when you get stung by a bee, you have to get rid of the stinger. So that's what I did; I got rid of all the stingers on my conscience.

"Craig-"

"Don't say anything."

He just opened the door wider and walked away. I went out every night for my job and came back home; we didn't even look at each other. It continued on like this for about a week and a half. I was coming home and this guy just walked up of me. He grabbed my purse. I had no chance; 98 pounds against 234 pounds? But out of the blue Craig came by and totally saved my ass. He grabbed my arm and drove me back to his place.

We didn't say anything to each other. I felt the urge to say or do something. So I did.

"Thanks."

He didn't say anything, but walked up to me and kissed me. It wasn't just a sweet little peck, but an extraordinary, passionate, and spectacular kiss. It was everything you could want in a kiss and more. Sparks could've been going off; that's how great it was. But maybe someone should've kept their mouth shut and someone else keep something in their pants.

For the next two weeks I felt sicker than a dog. I went to the doctor, but they said nothing was wrong. The next morning I went to the pharmacy. This possibility hadn't came to mind until I watched a pregnant lady walk. Fuck, I thought.

I purchased a pregnancy test and followed the instructions. Blue. For a second I didn't do anything, but then I slid to the ground and cried. I avoided Craig for the next two days. Soon enough I finally worked up some audacity to talk to Craig. But whenever this happens, nothing good comes from it. Luckily enough I didn't get pregnant again, but my heart was shot with diminutive, razor-sharp knives.

Three, deep breaths were inhaled before walking up the stairs to the apartment. I turned the corner. I paused for a second, before walking some more. That's when it happened. Craig was standing there with another girl; sharing the same incredible kiss with another girl. My heart skipped a couple of beats. I turned back around and headed back down the stairs. I thought things were going smoothly, but boy was I wrong.

With so much happening, the only thing I could do was get an abortion. Some people would think that's a cruel thing, but that's easier said than done. I headed down to the hospital for my consult with the doctor.

"You do realize there are other options?" She sounded concerned but I go for it.

"Yes, I do."

"What about adoption-"

"Look, I know there are just so many other options, but I can't do it. I have a job. This job requires me not to be pregnant. This is the only thing I can do. So you can sit there and disagree and not approve of me, but it doesn't matter. My mind is not changing." She didn't say anything for a moment, but then asked what day I was free.

I didn't rush home. When I finally reach Craig's, he was acting all happy and cheery.

"Hey Ellie! Want to catch a movie tonight?"

"Go to hell." I walked into my room and laid on the bed. I thought was hidden from Craig, but he found me.

"What is going on!"

"What's going on is that I'm pregnant and your out making out with other women!"

"Stop, rewind, pause! You're pregnant?"

"Not for long!"

"Your getting an abortion!"

"I thought you loved me!"

"It was a one night-"

"Don't say it, Craig! I'll love you once; I'll love twice; I'll love you three times, but for once can you love me!"

"Get out!"

"What-"

"Get the hell out of my house!"

Without even thinking, I left.

Sex, condoms, and pregnancy officially suck. Condoms aren't completely safe, though. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus. Did you know that? If only Craig got hit by a bus. Men get laid, but women get screwed.


	15. Chapter 15 The Tapes Stop Rolling

Entry:

Most people remember their youth to be a joyous experience, but I don't. I remember my tenth birthday. I didn't have any friends to invite, so it was going to be a family gathering. Instead of the pink, fluffy cake and all the wonderful presents, I had a bowl of melted, strawberry ice cream and a deck of cards. Your parents were probably enjoying this moment just as much as you were and noise makers went off, and it was just a great party. My parents fought. My mom threw stuff at my dad and my dad was yelling at the top of my lungs. I was paralyzed with fear during this. There was nothing to do but watch and get teary-eyed. That's all I did. To be honest, I can't remember one happy moment in my life. But I managed to make things better now, being in the present and the future.

I didn't feel working one night so I went for a walk. As I turned the corner, a man stopped me, and then he asked the strangest thing:

"Will you help me make death tapes?"

"What?"

"Okay, let's start this over. I'm Allan Gordon." he said extending his arm out to me.

"Ellie Nash." I responded and extended my hand towards his.

"I'm dying in two weeks, and I wanted to make these tapes to send to all the people who tormented me. Would you mind filming me?"

"Of course not."

He handed me the video camera and we started filming. I was amazed by what he had to say. In one of the videos, he was yelling at this jock named Will and how he picked on him, grades 3-12. Then there was this girl named Kimberly who invited him up to a hotel room during the prom and she never showed up. He stood there and cursed at these people for about an hour. When he was done, we went to the post office and mailed the tapes. I then headed to a diner.

A business woman sat next to me yelling on her cell phone at someone.

"Tough job?" I asked.

"My colleagues are a pain in the neck. But you know how it is?"

"Actually I don't," I paused for a second, "I'm a prostitute."

She didn't say anything for awhile, but then she said,

"I'm Tara Green. I'm a book editor and publisher."

"Ellie Nash, please to meet you."

"You must have an interesting life?"

"More like horrible life."

"Well maybe you would like to tell me all about it and maybe we could write a book about it."

I was little uneasy about this idea. But then I thought, why not? I have nothing to loose.

"Sure."

"Okay, great! Here's my card. Are you free this Saturday?"

"Yeah. Sure." I sounded still a little unsure.

Saturday rolled around and I headed down to the office.

"Ellie!"

"Hello."

"So, um, you want to get started?"

"Y-ye-yeah sure." Why was I being such a sped?

"So you had a rough life?"

"Rough, now that's the understatement of the year!"

"Did your parents have anything to do with it?"

"Well-"

I stopped myself for a moment. Anybody can become angry, that is easy; but to be angry with the right person, and to the right degree, and at the right time, and for the right purpose, and in the right way, that is not within everybody's power, that is not easy. But I have no reason to be angry. I have no reason to happy. I have no reason to be sad.

"I don't want to make death tapes."

"I beg your pardon?"

"I don't have a story for you; not yet at least."

With that in mind, I left the office and got a cab.

I drove back to Toronto to visit someone that I finally needed to confront.

"We haven't spoken in four years," The gaping figure stood there in astonishment. "Did you even ever try to contact me? Huh, mom?"

"Ellie, my baby." The woman cried out.

"Mom, don't. I grew up too fast. Once I was born, I became an adult. I picked up the pieces when you fell apart. What did you ever do for me? Make my life hell!" But then I stopped again. "And I just want to thank you for that." I added, not only surprising my mother, but myself as well.

Since I had a such a bad life, I've only become stronger. If it wasn't for my mother being an alcoholic or my father always being away from home, I wouldn't have become the person I am today.

"You came all the way here to tell me that?"

"Yes, because I don't want to make death tapes."

I walked down the steps, almost, almost, what's the word, happy. I grabbed the taxi door and gave the driver one more address. Then, I reached for my phone and called the hospital.

When I reached the next stop, I wasn't sure if I should be there, but I then just let that thought disappear.

Two knocks; no answer.

Two more knocks; and finally an answer.

"I'm getting ultra sound at three o'clock on Wednesday. If you want to be there, here's the name of the hospital." I said reaching into my back pocket.

"Ellie, I don't know what to say. I mean-"

"Then don't say anything." I spun around and headed for the taxi, to be driven back home.

Allan Gordon, I hereby declare you my hero. He's made me realize that I don't want to have all this rage boiling up in me; I just want to live and love life. I love my past. I love my present. I'm not ashamed of what I've had, and I'm not sad because I have it no longer. I'm just glad it won't ever haunt me.

I don't know why we are here, but I'm pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves. Life is like an onion: You peel it off one layer at a time, and sometimes you weep-- the more you cut, they more you cry.

And in the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Everything's got a moral, if only you can find it.


End file.
